Rumination 18

Perspective is difficult. We’re only ever subject to our own and it makes us the heroes of the narrative. It’s right…to an extent, we are the heroes of our histories.
But perspective also vilifies, makes antagonists of others because their perception is different. Sometimes miscommunication escalates to a boiling point of clashing observations.
I used to go to extreme lengths to try and avoid it, still do, it doesn’t work. It never works. But I’m a stupid optimist and keep trying.
Miscommunication has been pervasive through my life. It’s been the driving force behind every negative thing I’ve ever had to deal with. It seems like something so easily avoided, but it’s not. Any attempts at opening dialogue go horribly awry.
I agree I’m abrasive, I’m not personable, I don’t try hard enough when I should. I’m a terrible friend and not nearly as put together as I would like to be. No defense of this list will follow, because there is none. I ask too much and give too little. I’m far too proud of abilities I don’t have, but without the confidence I’m nothing.
I’m not confident on the inside though. I need reassurance. I’m not always right, usually I’m wrong. I make things about me when they aren’t because I’m afraid no one will tell me when they are. They never do.
The last six or seven months have so thoroughly destroyed any confidence and positivity I worked so hard to gain after years in the pit of depression, I’m not sure how I’m keep trying again.
It is, arguably, the simpler thing to walk away.
And I am walking away, because I’m tired. I could keep pushing into a void that didn’t give, but I can't keep surrendering more than I have. I want this to be the end of it; this isn’t who I am. I refuse to be it anymore.

Stay good and keep transmitting.

-Aman Sandhu 2016

Tyranny of Inspiration

There are dreams you can't surrender
Dreams built into your soul
Impossible ones that corrupt
Drag you out of the shadows
Make fools of you in the daylight.

Ones that leaves you to wander
Is it love? Or is it tyranny?
I am stagnated here
Groping around for a story I can't interrupt.

Why only upsets me
How currently illudes me
But this is the fire in my blood,
I can feel it there,
Though my veins run cold.

Is this the cadence of my life?
Ample inspiration halted by lacking motivation?
Am I so weak I'll wander the night
Evading the sun so it won't cast shadows I can't escape.

-AJ Sandhu 2016