Rumination 17

I’m always scared someone is playing the long con with me. It’s the strangest sort of paranoia that keeps me guarded. To soften the hurt to heart on my sleeve, I keep something up it.
I always debate putting up more private thoughts. Maybe because my face is attached like never before. Maybe it’s more of that avoidance. The fear if I give too much I won’t have any left for myself?
But that’s not the truth.
The truth is that I don’t think I deserve this. That I deserve any of what I have. If I get anything it has to come with a catch. It always does.
Doesn’t matter how hard I work, there is always a catch.
And it’s such a stupid way to live, yet here I am. I know better.
I don’t know if that’s stupid or brave to admit to an audience. But I refuse to isolate myself to the point of inaction.
This isn’t a plea for advice or a call for friendship. I have more love than I’ve ever have before. I can feel that. I’m just…waiting for the other shoe to drop.
That I’m going to be exposed as the fraud I am. Unworthy of love, not just because I have nothing to offer, but because I’m really not that good of a friend. I’m not extraordinary, I’m not even plain, I’m background. I get in the way.
And maybe getting these thoughts out of my head and into these pixels will help me deal with the dissociation I feel.

Stay good and keep transmitting.

-Aman Sandhu 2016

Perfidy

I hide behind veiled eyes
So no one can see the madness inside.
Every word out of my mouth is a lie.
You were so kind and so good
I wanted to be everything you thought of me

But I will break your heart
And when the veil falls
You’ll only find emptiness
As you pull me apart

I want to be so badly
Everything you think of me.
I’m standing on this pedestal,
My friend, it’s hollow inside
An empty box filled with lies.

Every word out of my mouth is a lie
You were so kind and so good
I only wanted to be everything you thought of me
But I’m a façade built of fairy-tales.

Oh I will break your heart
And when the veil falls
You’ll only find emptiness
As you pull me apart

Don’t look at me
You’ll see what I am
Unworthy of the faith you’ve given me
A leech in disguise

Maybe someday you won’t regret
Letting me have so much of you
Maybe one day your scars will fade
And I will become what I’ve always been,
Only an obstacle in your way

Every word out of my mouth is a lie
You were so kind and so good
I only wanted to be everything you thought of me
But I’m a façade built of fairy-tales.

Oh I will break your heart
And when the veil falls
You’ll only find emptiness
As you pull me apart

Maybe someday you won’t regret
Letting me have so much of you
Maybe one day your scars will fade
And I will become what I’ve always been
Only an obstacle in your way.

-AJ Sandhu 2016

Rumination 16

My friends cannot read my mind. They don’t know everything I know.
I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking they’ve absorbed my knowledge or emotion via some strange external osmosis, but they haven’t. If I’m having a bad day and put on a brave face, they will never know I need to be comforted. They won’t know not to believe me when I lie and say everything is alright.
Sometimes I think they wouldn’t want to be bothered. Why talk to them about something they can’t fix, or wouldn’t understand? But who will I celebrate with when I come out victorious on the other side? How will I convey the devastation of my defeat as I sit there and lick my wounds?
We make friends to share the load. To carry our collective burdens so they don’t break our backs. Your friends will not be weighed down by your problems. They will not leave because you are struggling. If they cannot help they will wait patiently for you to get through; ready with whatever support you need in the aftermath.
And if they do abandon you, were they really your friends at all?

Stay good and keep transmitting.
-AJ Sandhu 2016

Dispossessed

We’re not pieces on a chessboard
Built to be played however we choose

Life is not finite in what it could be.
I’m holding the hope
That the sins on my soul
Are not greater than
The forgiveness I’m asking for

There are no chosen kings
And queens of our world
Only fearful people hoping
Their confidence will disguise their lies

We’re all hiding from ourselves
Hoping our deepest devotions
Are never put to the test.
Victims of our baser urges
It’s what we feared
No hearts left to converge.

You’ve gone too far for me to find you
And after all, you never wanted me to.

-AJ Sandhu 2016

Emptiness

The worst thing that could happen was losing my story. I could lose everything else, but losing the story in my heart was unbearable. The thought that Derivation would be there no matter what happened, no matter how deep the rabbit-hole went, kept me going for so long.
I emptied myself into the singular pursuit.
My apathy, empathy, love, hatred, passion, motivation.
Everything belonged to my one purpose; telling the tale that burned in my chest.
Now I fear I've given too much.
I'm empty.
I lost Derivation while I was surrendering the rest.
The one thing I was determined to keep is gone.
Without it, I'm not even a person.
So what now? What do I do now that the worst has happened?
How long do I stay away? How long will it take to fall in love again? Until my hands itch with words burning to see life on paper?
I don't know.
I'm starting over. From the beginning. Tell me again, Alexander.
Stay good and keep transmitting
-Aman Sandhu 2016

Moving On

Moments that took minutes
Are taking hours away
I'm left here to mourn
Those moments wasted on you.

Every hard earned breath I gave
Trying to keep you;
Screaming in my lungs now
As I start sinking under

All we're looking for is a chance
To be the writers
If we must be the fools
Behind the reigns.

So tell me mechanist
Is there a remedy
For all the sorrow
That I feel?

Singing this sullen lullaby
Before the curtain falls
On our life's play

Too long too short
To waste trying to hold
Dreams we didn't share
Ambition led us astray

This is a siren's call
To all of the songs
I've sung before.

Because it seems I'm left
Standing here waiting for you
To look back for me.

-AJ Sandhu 2016